How to Know What You Want - Part II
Updated: Jan 29, 2020
As I wrote in How to Know What You Want - Part I, we have been disconnected from what we want. We were conditioned to be compliant and fit into social norms for some good reasons. But because of this, many of us get to adulthood without a clear idea of who we are or what we want.
If you find that you're an adult that falls into this camp, know that you're not alone. Make sure to read the first post of this series and the following steps to understand how to re-discover what you want.
4. Know your fears
This is where conditioning and survival show up again. We are naturally intelligent. We learn quickly and are adaptable. We how to get what we need, what to avoid to stay safe, and how to protect ourselves from threat. Through all of this learning, we establish fears. Kate Swoboda, author of The Courage Habit, creator of Your Courageous Life, and director of the Courageous Living Coach Certification program, has identified four common fear patterns: pessimism, self-sabotage, perfectionism, and martyrdom. You can identify what patterns you tend to exhibit when you take a look at what drives you, what you want others to think of you, and what you're deeply afraid of.
5. Know your patterns
Our behaviors tend to be in patterns. Our brain likes routine and consistency, as it seems to provide safety through predictability. We also know that behavior lies within a cue-response-reward loop. Behaviorism 101: when we are cued by something, we produce a response, that we hope will provide us a certain reward. Notice what habits and behavior patterns you loop into. Dive into better understanding them and you will better understand yourself. (Hint: You can interrupt the loop!)
6. Know your shadows
The idea of a shadow self will most definitely get more air time in later blog posts, but part of knowing what you want is getting to know the parts of yourself that are easy to embrace and the parts of yourself that are difficult to own. These difficult parts are known as your shadow. In Jungian psychology, it is made up of the unconscious aspects of our personality that are undesirable to our conscious self. Until we work to become aware of them, we will not identify with them and will unconsciously fight against them. Knowing your shadows means feeling the pain of being what you don't want to be and embracing who you truly are.
Coupled with the steps from this Part I of this blog series, these steps can help you get closer to knowing what you want. When you develop a relationship with yourself, you get closer to understanding and creating a life that you love.
Want help figuring out what you want?
Click the link here to schedule a free discovery call with me. I help successful women who feel lackluster, reconnect with their vitality.